Feeling overwhelmed? Remember this — Relax! You are not in control.
Me, massively overwhelmed, in hospital.
Ten years ago, climbing up the glass stairs, awash with vivid feelings of fear and worry, surrounded by smells of disinfectant and disease, there I was, trying to fix my dad’s terminal cancer in my head.
Mid-way up, I remembered reading something:
“We try to fix the outside so much, but our control of the outer world is limited, temporary, and often, illusory.”
Matthieu Ricard (ex-molecular scientist, now Buddhist monk)
Despite knowing we can’t generally control what’s going on around us, we still waste hours trying to do so — in our heads. Making mental stories to fix situations or sending ourselves postcards from the future full of ifs, maybes and supposed solutions.
Why do we try and control things when we’re feeling overwhelmed?
Back in the hospital, I wasn’t in control. I couldn’t fix any of what was going on. I just felt that to survive the situation; I had to control it.
It’s a pretty common coping mechanism; we all grab onto the feeling of control when the shit hits the life-shaped fan. Striving for control makes us feel safe: If we can control what’s going on, we can also determine the outcome — meaning nothing bad can happen.
People often reach for the illusionary reigns when unpleasant feelings are present.
Perhaps it’s cleaning, or tidying things when you’re stressed or scrolling through social media, looking for a break from feeling overwhelmed by an approaching deadline (this is a ‘thing’ BTW, it’s called cyberloafing). Or perhaps it’s simply a case of trying to think about something else; to control your thoughts, so whatever’s worrying you is wiped from the mind.
It’s likely that this urge to reach for the illusionary controls stems from our evolution. When living inside caves with sabre tooth tigers living outside, doing out best to control things was a case of life and death. Command of our surroundings was first on the menu if we didn’t want to be on someone else’s.
It’s still happening now: during the 2008 credit crunch, It was reported that the sales of ties went up (people trying to keep jobs by controlling their look).
Furthermore, a set of experiments run at this time by Jennifer Whitson and Adam Galinsky demonstrated that people were more likely to make up patterns where there aren’t any (e.g. seeing images in noise or developing superstitions). This helps them feel in control during turbulent times. And good for them — a sense of mastery over one’s fate has long been seen as key to psychological health.
The problem is that no amount of new ties or superstitions are going to save you from reality: You are not in control.
Let me say it again: You are not in control.
You can’t change what’s happened. Although it may be nice to feel like you are, trying to control everything isn’t going to make you feel better as it won’t work.
Kidding yourself that you can means that you’re avoiding the reality of the situation — missing out on whatever is going on.
Although it might feel nice to be in control, more often than not, we’re not — and this is mightly stressful.
Responding to challenging situations by trying to control everything, although logical, just makes matters worse — and leaves you with feelings of overwhelm.
Not only are you in a problematic situation (that’s out of your hands), you’re also trying to change it in your mind.
Back on the stairs, I desperately wished that my dad wasn’t dying.
But he was.
Here’s what to do.
The moment I accepted that I wasn’t in control, I felt a weight lift in my chest.
And when I managed to accept what was going on, it gave me the headspace to spend time with him, rather than spend time worrying about him, with him.
When you’re conscious feelings of overwhelm are present; accepting that you are not in control of it all not only makes the experience less horrible, it also gives you the quality of mind to make the most of the situation.
Shortly after the hospital, I figured the Buddhists must be onto something and started meditating after that. I can’t recommend it enough.
It helped me live with my grief; that love that has nowhere to go.
It even made the experience manageable — at least bearable. I carried on practising and realised something pretty big after that — anything that gets in the way of life becomes manageable if you sit with it in meditation, rather than denying it and trying to carry on.
Feeling Overwhelmed? Here are some things to remember:
Accept that whatever is happening is, well happening. Although you might want to resist it, it won’t make you feel any better.
Whenever you notice that you’re lost in thought (perhaps fixing, or planning), as best you can drop them, let them be and return to what’s real.
Accept that although you might want you, you simply can’t control everything, instead focus on making the most of what’s around you right now.
Meditate. The more you do it, the more you’ll be able to get out of your head and into whatever is going on. By shining a light onto the inner workings of your mind, you’ll start to understand the kinds of things that lead you to feelings of overwhelm, allowing you to act before it takes over.
Reality check. You and I are not in control of our lives. Markets will crash, jobs will be lost, relationships will falter and break down, people will get sick, life won’t go as you planned it — this is life in all its technicolour glory.
When you’re well meditated and well versed in the art of acceptance and letting go, you’re giving yourself the quality of mind to be better able to make the most out of any situation.
Not by controlling, but doing something better: adapting to it.